Category Archives: one two many lots

While My Lap Gently Fills

I’m sitting here, typing one-handed as Mr. Man is cuddled in my lap.  It’s that precious time right after he’s eaten when he looks up at me with absolute trust and love in his eyes–then spit-up comes drooling right out, quickly followed by a salvo from the general direction of his posterior.


So, while I try to deny that I’m sitting here with a lap full of pre-owned milk (from both ends of my child) I shall quickly post something, then get up and find my haz-mat suit.  The following came from a Facebook app that compiles statuses over the past year…it grabbed some good ones that I had forgotten, so I’m re-posting them over here.


-Welp, there’s only one explanation.  We’ve got a small but malevolent spirit apparently inhabiting our house and absconding with important possessions.  BD’s first wedding ring, the title to my old car, my ever-loving PASSPORT!  I shall call it Glenn.  I hate you, Glenn.

-Well, vacuuming just turned into an impromptu dance to Rhianna’s “The Wait Is Over”.  Guess my jubilation at starting a new job next week just got the best of me.  Sorry neighbors, I’ll try to keep my spontaneous weirdness away from the windows next time.

-Baby’s room=messier than when we started.  Good thing we have 5 months to get it cleaned out, right?  Right??

-I don’t know if it’s the Mexican vacation (although that was weeks ago) or some weird side-effect of pregnancy, but I’m peeling.  I mean PEEEEEELING!  LEPROSY, WOE, DESPAIR, etc, etc.  Please don’t be offended if I shed in your general direction.

-Oh, crap.  Baby Smelks is kicking it up while Ryan and I watch a DVRd episode of Top Gear.  And he/she stops when we hit pause… does that mean I’m gestating a tiny gear head?

-Some people listen to “Let it Be” by Lennon/McCartney when they’re having a bad day–I sing “I Go On” by Bernstein.  Who’s with me?

-Well, we ditched AT&T and the iPhone 4 today…just couldn’t handle the dropped calls.  Fortunatetly, my parents are hoarders, so we’ve got a few old loaner phones while we wait for our new Verizon phones to ship.  Yay, parents!  Boo, AT&T for such crappy coverage!  (And Apple?  My husband’s face shouldn’t be able to turn on speaker phone, face time and hang up a call…I’m jus’ saying.)

-A note to my sister-in-law’s dog, who is currently “vacationing” with us:  If you so much as utter one more pitiful whine in my general direction simply because you’re outside, I’m taking you to the nearest restaurant and selling you for meat.

-Holy moly!  Undying love to my mom and aunt for coming over today and rescuing me after I pitched a complete wobbler about my first day alone with Mr. Man.

-Things that annoy me: 1.  How bloody long it takes me to fall asleep after getting up to feed Mr. Man and 2. Randy Moss.


Hee.  Ok, I promise that I won’t do that sort of re-posting thing too often, and I will NEVER post that funny dream I had, or interpret search strings that led to my site, but damn, folks.  I don’t care who you are.  That shit’s funny right there!


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Filed under my life let me show you it, one two many lots

Happy Thoughts

Well, that last post was cheerful, no?  I’m just a giant fricken ray of sunshine over here, folks.  I’ve been trying to look on the bright side of this whole “losing my position” thing, and have come up with a (very) few positives.

1.  I don’t have to keep buying chargers for my various electronic devices every time I leave one at home.  (This is an actual problem, people!  I traveled with 2 phones, iPod, laptop, camera, other LARGER camera, and thanks to SantaParents, a GPS.  I own 4 iPod chargers and SEVEN chargers for 2 phones!) (You may wonder why the HELL I need so many electronics.  It’s a sickness, and I blame my father.)

2.  I’ll get to sleep in my very own bed every night!  Or the couch!  Or have a slumber party on the kitchen table!  The possibilities are endless!

3.   Um…

4.  I have to give back my corporate phone (lowly assistant managers don’t get PHONES, are you nuts?)  So I am relying again on my personal phone, which was due for an upgrade, and what better way to celebrate losing a job (but retaining employment) then to spend some money on an iPhone!

Yup.  That’s how I roll.  Got told on Friday my position was being axed, accepted crumby assistant manager job w/ same company on Saturday, bought an iPhone on Sunday.  This was my last week in my current position and so, iPhone in hand, I went off on my penultimate trip (I’m off to South Dakota tomorrow for one more store visit.)

That’s a shot of not only my dashboard, but the exit sign to Grove, where my family always went for summer vacation.  I’ve driven past it countless times since I began traveling for my company, and never had the time to go back.  Sigh.   This is also the photo I sent my mom, with the subject line “one hand and no brains on the wheel”.  She was less than pleased.

This is also the stretch of highway near the asylum, so the highway is lined with signs that say “do not pick up hitch hikers, as they may be escaped inmates.”  Way to take a picture of an EXIT sign, and not a cool

Ok, now that WEE little white sign over the side view mirror is a 2007! Quality!  Award!  Winning! Rest stop! sign.  You might be impressed, until you notice that every single rest stop on I-44 has one.  Look, Missouri, if everyone is special, then NO ONE is.  (Oh, yes, I’ve driven the entire length of 44 with a friend, and not only is every rest stop special, but there are more adult bookstores than I’ve ever seen in my LIFE.)  (Of course, the adult bookstore billboards are comingled with the fundamentalist Christian billboards.  I think good ol’ Missouri is a bit…confused.)

Awww…this is the liquor store that Rosie and I would drive up to when we were working together earlier this year.  Sadly, the county we were opening the store in was a <gasp> DRY county, so we had to hightail it across state lines to get the booze.  Which we may or may not have left in a friends’ freezer to “chill” for way too long, resulting in a high-velocity assualt on a bag of frozen peas by a ballistic wine cork.

. . .

I’m really going to miss that job, and all the iPhones in the world can’t really make up for it.  Sigh.

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Reasons My Husband Thinks I’m Insane

(Or, A List of Things That Make Me Stabby, In No Particular Order)

In honor of the holiday season and the spirit of giving and goodwill towards men, I’ve decided to compile a list of things I can’t stand, or have issues with, or things that just generally freak me the fuck out.  Of course, this will be soon followed by a list of things I DO like, just to keep my karmic balance in line…and to ensure that Santa doesn’t skip our house for years.


1.  Toilets. Ok, it’s not that I don’t like the concept of toilets, and you’re not going to find me in the backyard with a roll of tp, but the inner workings of toilets creep me OUT.  I absolutely refuse to lift the top of a toilet tank to diagnose any problem.  If the toilet starts making weird noises, or running too long or even seems to eyeball (flapper?) me in a threatening manner, I’ll quickly shut off the water flow from the wall, and run screaming for BD, who rolls his eyes in disgust.  (this is a fairly standard reaction of his to my quirks, FYI)


2.  Squeaky things. Or more specifically, a wet sweatshirt rubbing on itself (ook!), cutlery being dragged across a plate (gah!),  a hard lead pencil/dry marker on paper (eesh!!), the squeak of snow underfoot when it’s really cold (gargh!) and the absolute worst: the sound of Styrofoam rubbing on itself or cardboard (ARGH!)  I have actually managed to give myself GOOSEBUMPS just sitting here typing these things.  They are absolutely fingernails on a chalkboard for me (which…also sucks major ass, but no one has chalkboards anymore, so that threat is mercifully diminished.)


3.  Embarrassment humor. This is another one that BD thinks is absolute hooey.  I CANNOT, under any circumstances, tolerate TV shows or movies or even books that have a character placed in a potentially embarrassing situation.  This…somewhat limits what I can watch without running from the room.  Case in point?  The movie Meet the Parents, which was the movie BD and I saw on our first date.  I wanted to slide under the seats in a puddle of oozy discomfort but couldn’t due to the fact that I was sitting next to A Boy!  That I liked!  It took me about 5 years to admit to BD that that was possibly the worst movie I had ever seen.  Other related issues include 90% of all reality shows and more or less everything on MTV.  When you get down to it…I apparently hate conflict.  Which…is the basis of storytelling.  Frankly, I’m surprised that I can survive as a functioning member of society, let alone read as much as I do.


4.  Cilantro. Hey!  I know!  Let’s all put soap on our food!


5.  Advertising. Ok, not all advertising, but there are several instances that drive me straight ‘round the bend.

A) Kids in advertising.  Really?  Really?  I don’t need some twee little child shilling material goods in my general direction.  Specific call outs include the Pepsi girl from several years ago, the Welch’s grape juice urchin, and the commercial where the kid asks the father about mutual funds or retirement plans or whatever the hell it is.

B)  The word “extreme”.  Especially when spelled without the “E”.  ARRRGH!  Get a dictionary, advertising people!  Pizza is not extreme!  Flavored sugar water beverages are not extreme!  You know what is extreme?  My loathing of this word!

C)  Deliberate misuse of the letter “K” to make a name sound better/cuter/whatever the hell who cares?  Kountry Kitchen, Kalico Korner, etc.  I’ve had a discussion on this topic with a friend in advertising, and his point of view is that it’s easier to establish a brand identity with a unique spelling, but then he also has used the word “extreme” in his work, so his opinion is highly suspect in my book.


6.  Skittles. Well, ok, I actually love me some Skittles.  I’m not a huge fan of chocolate in candy bar form, so my go-to vending machine choice is always Skittles (but it’s gotta be the original red package.  That other shit is nasty!)  Anyway, the issue with the Skittles is the disproportion of colors.  (Which, as everyone knows, are the flavors.  Ever had anyone ask you for a cherry Skittle?  Nope!  It’s always “gimme some of those red ones”.  Greedy bastards)  You see, I have to sort mah Skittles before I eat them…I have to get the yellow, orange and green ones out of the way first.  And there are always more of those then the good colors (red and purple.)  But, I soldier on so I can get to the good part…the purple and red candies!  However, I’m strict about how I eat those, as well.  If I can’t match the red and purple ones up exactly, two by two, I have to eat ALL the extraneous ones first.  I can’t be having any non-matched up Skittle pairs.  So, the problem is (other than I’m a loon, and just eat the candy already!) that there are NEVER EVER EVER a matched amount of purple and red.  Why not?  Is it too much to ask for a little consistency across the high fructose corn syrup board?  Why god, WHY?


. . .


Whew!  That was a load off my mind.  And now that you’re all completely convinced that I’m insane, let’s talk about you.  If, in fact, “you” existed.   I’d ask everyone what their pet peeves are, but I’m reasonably certain that the only readers I have are my parents (hi, Mom and Dad!) and I’m sure their issues include daughters who complain about stupid things and cuss a lot, so there you go.  Although…if there is anyone out there, let me have it!


Soon to come:  the other side of the scale, or things that make me all melty and goopy.  Now with more schmaltz!

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One Hundred Things

1.       I’m left handed.

2.       This means I have to turn my paper 90 degreees sideways to write comfortably.

3.       In college, there were only 3 left handed desks in my art history classroom.

4.       They were always taken by right handers.

5.       WTF,  people who take left handed desks!

6.       I love veggies that begin with A.  (And other veggies, but those are the best.)

7.       I HATE cilantro.

8.       Deeply.

9.       My husband hates all veggies.

10.   Despite this, my husband one of smartest people I know.

11.   I love to cook.

12.   However, I almost never do, because I’m very lazy.

13.   I would rather read than watch t.v.

14.   But I’m not hopelessly lazy; I did spend 4 summers in thecolorguard of a drum and bugle corps.

15.   10-12 hours a day all summer is enough exersize for a lifetime.

16.   I have the coolest parents ever.

17.   My dad encouraged me to burp loud and often when I was younger.

18.   Mom was not thrilled.

19.   She taught me to cuss loud and often.

20.   Dad was not thrilled.

21.   My first words were “Jesus Christ”.

22.   Not in a pious way.

23.   My husband and I have two dogs.

24.   My husband hopes daily they’ll run away and never come back.

25.   They’re pretty stupid.

26.   Seriously.

27.   They eat grass.

28.   I always used to deride Apple products as too trendy, propriatary and damn expensive.

29.   Then I got an iPod touch.

30.   I’d make out with it if I could.

31.   Most of this was written on my preshuss, preshuss iPod.

32.   It’s a good thing it has spell check.

33.   Because the letters are small and hard to hit with my fat thumbs.

34.   I have a very large vocabulary.

35.   I don’t take advantage of it very often.

36.   I’d rather use made up words.

37.   Like re-cock-ulous.

38.   I like to cuss.

39.   I also have an exorbitant amount of useless knowledge in my head.

40.   I’m a good person to have on your side in a trivia battle.

41.   I hate incorrect apostrophe use.

42.   Haaate!!!

43.   I love to read science fiction and fantasy.

44.   I also love me some video games.

45.   I got a PS3 and Rock Band for Christmas.

46.   SCORE!!!

47.   I’m a decent singer.

48.   I’m tragic at the drums, though.

49.   I played cello for many years.

50.   So that’s how I hold my guitar.

51.   I live in Colorado.

52.   And don’t ski.

53.   I sail, though!

54.   I own a boat as old as I am.

55.   I call it “Mudball”.

56.   You can probably guess how attractive it is.

57.   I have to have chapstick or lip gloss on me at all times.

58.   I find a lot of chapstick tubes in the laundry.

59.   Usually empty.

60.   The heat of the dryer melts them.

61.   Oops!!!

62.   My husband is much cleaner than I am.

63.   This drives him crazy.

64.   I’d also much rather avoid an argument than talk it out.

65.   That kind of makes me sound like a guy.

66.   I’m not, though.

67.   I do always have to be wearing at least one piece of jewelry.

68.   Preferably a big ol’ necklace.

69.   I wear seven rings on my hands.

70.   And one on my pointer toe.

71.   If that makes sense.

72.   The three largest toes on my left foot are all the same length.

73.   I have one tattoo of colorguard flags.

74.   On my lower back.

75.   Should have thought about the placement a little more.

76.   Tramp stamp!

77.   I have a few body piercings.

78.   I went to college to major in theater and left with an art degree.

79.   And the aforementioned body art.

80.   I actually use my degree in my job.

81.   Sometimes…

82.   I have taught high school colorguard for about ten years as a side job.

83.   I got a promotion at work that has me traveling every other week.

84.   So I have to give up colorguard, for the most part.

85.   This bums me out.

86.   And all my travel is to Oklahoma and surrounding states.

87.   Yawn!

88.   At least I get beau coup frequent flier miles.

89.   That’s about all you’ll hear about my job; I wouldn’t want to get Dooced.

90.   I bite my nails.

91.   I can stop for months at a time, and then blammo!

92.   Back to square one.

93.   This usually happens when I’ve been drinking.

94.   I should stop.

95.   Mmm… alcohol.

96.   I love red wine, especially a fruity Zinfandel.

97.   And good beer.

98.   And vodka tonics!

99.   This is my first attempt at a blog…

100.Let’s see how it goes.

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