Reasons My Husband Thinks I’m Insane

(Or, A List of Things That Make Me Stabby, In No Particular Order)

In honor of the holiday season and the spirit of giving and goodwill towards men, I’ve decided to compile a list of things I can’t stand, or have issues with, or things that just generally freak me the fuck out.  Of course, this will be soon followed by a list of things I DO like, just to keep my karmic balance in line…and to ensure that Santa doesn’t skip our house for years.

 

1.  Toilets. Ok, it’s not that I don’t like the concept of toilets, and you’re not going to find me in the backyard with a roll of tp, but the inner workings of toilets creep me OUT.  I absolutely refuse to lift the top of a toilet tank to diagnose any problem.  If the toilet starts making weird noises, or running too long or even seems to eyeball (flapper?) me in a threatening manner, I’ll quickly shut off the water flow from the wall, and run screaming for BD, who rolls his eyes in disgust.  (this is a fairly standard reaction of his to my quirks, FYI)

 

2.  Squeaky things. Or more specifically, a wet sweatshirt rubbing on itself (ook!), cutlery being dragged across a plate (gah!),  a hard lead pencil/dry marker on paper (eesh!!), the squeak of snow underfoot when it’s really cold (gargh!) and the absolute worst: the sound of Styrofoam rubbing on itself or cardboard (ARGH!)  I have actually managed to give myself GOOSEBUMPS just sitting here typing these things.  They are absolutely fingernails on a chalkboard for me (which…also sucks major ass, but no one has chalkboards anymore, so that threat is mercifully diminished.)

 

3.  Embarrassment humor. This is another one that BD thinks is absolute hooey.  I CANNOT, under any circumstances, tolerate TV shows or movies or even books that have a character placed in a potentially embarrassing situation.  This…somewhat limits what I can watch without running from the room.  Case in point?  The movie Meet the Parents, which was the movie BD and I saw on our first date.  I wanted to slide under the seats in a puddle of oozy discomfort but couldn’t due to the fact that I was sitting next to A Boy!  That I liked!  It took me about 5 years to admit to BD that that was possibly the worst movie I had ever seen.  Other related issues include 90% of all reality shows and more or less everything on MTV.  When you get down to it…I apparently hate conflict.  Which…is the basis of storytelling.  Frankly, I’m surprised that I can survive as a functioning member of society, let alone read as much as I do.

 

4.  Cilantro. Hey!  I know!  Let’s all put soap on our food!

 

5.  Advertising. Ok, not all advertising, but there are several instances that drive me straight ‘round the bend.

A) Kids in advertising.  Really?  Really?  I don’t need some twee little child shilling material goods in my general direction.  Specific call outs include the Pepsi girl from several years ago, the Welch’s grape juice urchin, and the commercial where the kid asks the father about mutual funds or retirement plans or whatever the hell it is.

B)  The word “extreme”.  Especially when spelled without the “E”.  ARRRGH!  Get a dictionary, advertising people!  Pizza is not extreme!  Flavored sugar water beverages are not extreme!  You know what is extreme?  My loathing of this word!

C)  Deliberate misuse of the letter “K” to make a name sound better/cuter/whatever the hell who cares?  Kountry Kitchen, Kalico Korner, etc.  I’ve had a discussion on this topic with a friend in advertising, and his point of view is that it’s easier to establish a brand identity with a unique spelling, but then he also has used the word “extreme” in his work, so his opinion is highly suspect in my book.

 

6.  Skittles. Well, ok, I actually love me some Skittles.  I’m not a huge fan of chocolate in candy bar form, so my go-to vending machine choice is always Skittles (but it’s gotta be the original red package.  That other shit is nasty!)  Anyway, the issue with the Skittles is the disproportion of colors.  (Which, as everyone knows, are the flavors.  Ever had anyone ask you for a cherry Skittle?  Nope!  It’s always “gimme some of those red ones”.  Greedy bastards)  You see, I have to sort mah Skittles before I eat them…I have to get the yellow, orange and green ones out of the way first.  And there are always more of those then the good colors (red and purple.)  But, I soldier on so I can get to the good part…the purple and red candies!  However, I’m strict about how I eat those, as well.  If I can’t match the red and purple ones up exactly, two by two, I have to eat ALL the extraneous ones first.  I can’t be having any non-matched up Skittle pairs.  So, the problem is (other than I’m a loon, and just eat the candy already!) that there are NEVER EVER EVER a matched amount of purple and red.  Why not?  Is it too much to ask for a little consistency across the high fructose corn syrup board?  Why god, WHY?

 

. . .

 

Whew!  That was a load off my mind.  And now that you’re all completely convinced that I’m insane, let’s talk about you.  If, in fact, “you” existed.   I’d ask everyone what their pet peeves are, but I’m reasonably certain that the only readers I have are my parents (hi, Mom and Dad!) and I’m sure their issues include daughters who complain about stupid things and cuss a lot, so there you go.  Although…if there is anyone out there, let me have it!

 

Soon to come:  the other side of the scale, or things that make me all melty and goopy.  Now with more schmaltz!

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